When “you’re beautiful” is no longer just a compliment
**TW: Fetishization of women, racism
I lived in Patterson, New Jersey for four months when I was twenty-two. During the time I was there, men* would tell me that I was beautiful an average of ten times a day (though on some days it was as many as twenty). It became apparent fairly early on that they found me exotic and different, primarily because I was white (Paterson is primarily non-white). However, I still appreciated being told that I was beautiful, because it made me feel beautiful, though on a very superficial level.
About one month into my stay there, I began to feel snappy and overly annoyed at the men who would comment. I felt horribly guilty about my reaction towards them. They were being nice and giving me a compliment – what right did I have to be upset with them? I still said, “thank you,” to every single one, and tried to avoid eye contact so as not to encourage them.
Not long after I started getting annoyed, I realized that my saying “thank you” and avoiding eye contact was an indication that there was a problem. It was an indication that I felt two main things when I was complimented: Obligation and fear. I was obligated to be polite and thankful towards them for complimenting me. I owed them something. But I was afraid of encouraging them into thinking I was interested in them, and it sure as hell was easy to encourage them. All I had to do was look into their eyes for two seconds and they would try to chat me up.
At this point, I realized that I didn’t really owe them anything. These men were essentially paying me a currency – a compliment – and assumed that therefore I owed them a service – a polite response or a conversation. But I didn’t ask for this currency. Unlike with regular money, I couldn’t just hand it back to them. You can’t un-hear a compliment. So I did what I needed to do: I began to ignore them. And their response was exactly as I expected.
They became rude. No, there was nothing innocent or kind about their compliments to begin with. It was all a power play, to oblige me to pay attention to them. They may not have realized this consciously, but that didn’t change the facts. When I ignored them, most of them would first try to repeat themselves. Over and over again, they would say, “Hey, did you hear me, girl?” Once they realized I was ignoring them, they would call me a bitch.
I took this experience back with me into my own hometown. I realized that, though I no longer received the comments that I would get for being ethnically exotic, I still received comments that were unwelcome. All sexual comments from strangers brought with them obligation and fear.
The fetishization of women of colour
My experience was a tiny glimpse into the experiences of women* of colour, women who date other women, and fat women absolutely everywhere. Women of colour are frequently fetishized by white men; in other words, they are valued because they are different. Here are a few examples of what they have to put up with (via friends of mine and reports I’ve read on the Internet):
(To a black woman) “Ooh, gotta love that black booty!” ”Baby got back!” etc.
(To a Chinese woman) “Me love you long time!” (Reference to Full Metal Jacket, which was about Viet Nam, not China – but white men don’t give a shit). ”I love Asian food! You wanna make me a stir fry some time?” etc.
(To a Latina woman) “Aiaiaiaiai! Spicy hot!” etc.
The fetishization of fat women goes something like this: “Big and beautiful!”
And to lesbians: “Can I join in?” “Can I watch?” “This dick will straighten you out.” (These I’ve experienced first-hand)
Yes, it’s lovely being essentially told that the only reason you’re being noticed is because you’re different from the status quo, you’re “exotic.” And of course the same obligation always comes with any comment: You must respond in a polite way, and be thankful for the attention.
The fetishization of women in general
Like women of colour, women in general (or people who are perceived to be female) are fetishized. You are seen as exotic and exciting just for being female. This trend in our culture is reinforced by the media. Look at the average billboard, magazine, or TV commercial and you will see a scantily-clad woman being used to sell something. We are objects to be sold, used, and leered at. It is not healthy, and it hurts us psychologically. There is a constant fear and obligation that comes with being a woman.
So, people (especially men) who care: The next time you feel the need to compliment a woman who you have never spoken to before, don’t just think of your comment as an isolated incident. It is not. Even if you do not feel that women have any obligation towards you, even if you would never call a woman a “bitch” for ignoring you or speaking her mind, she is bombarded by reminders of what is expected from her all the time. You must consider everything she probably frequently experiences, instead of just what you are going to say once. Your comment is an addition to piles and piles of shit, and it is not needed.
A general rule of thumb: Think about what you’re about to say, and whether it is something that a woman would normally say to a man. Do women frequently go up to men and say, “you’re hot,” “you’re beautiful,” or “wanna fuck?” I’m not talking about the occasional incident, I’m talking on a day-to-day basis. If not, then don’t say it to a woman. Because your comment is going to have even more of an impact on a woman than a woman’s comment would have on a man. And think to yourself: Why is the idea of not harassing women such a burden? Do women find it difficult not to harass men?
Also, check out the Politics of “hello,” a similar subject that was written on the Feministe website. More on catcalling and other misogyny here. And yet more information on the Male occupation of public space.
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giant twist comfort cs said this on 12 November, 2011 at 5:54 am |
You’re discriminating against minorities while trying to create a minority within yourself and your typical everyday experiences. I loathe this blog and the tiny little nuisances within life that you live to blog out of proportion.
Ex. A guy (a black man, a man of color, not a African american as you strive to remain political correct within your ranting) tries to give you of all insufferable bloggers a complement). A man takes time out of his day to say hey gj, I think you look nice today, or he awesome appearance today, well done.
Now how you take things into extreme consideration merely to blow it out of proportion and culrural reference; and I think that not every single encounter from a guy was a power play:
“Oh this must be a power play of some evil concoction of man, to get the upper hand on me.”
“It must be a prostitute-like transaction of a power struggle of man vs. me bc he took the time to…pay me a complement…Of which I rewarded him with a thank you and blank stare.
Oh the humanity!!
I truly think you’ve got too much time on your hands to entertain and post this mindset.
Worse, your views of minorities is dangerously yuppie, and typically offbase as per usual.
Not all minority men act like that to you, I can guesstimate. Either you are ignorant or have never met an Obama-like well mannered minority who didn’t approach you with hey yo beautiful.
I find this so terribly offensive as a biracial (black, white, etc) woman that I personally wrote my response via iPhone.
I believe that every post you have of blacks o general, you tend to be shameful in your categorization of minorities. Your quarterback view in life is do jaded abs typical it’s disheartening.
I don’t know what a quarterback view is. I referred once to African-Americans and then the rest of the post I said black. As I am not black, I have to take into account black people’s opinions about what they wish to be called, and I have been told both, so I used both.
I was referring to my experience. I was not stereotyping anybody; not once did I say anything about “black men” in general. There is sexism in every culture, including black culture. Your opinion about black culture does not outweigh other black people’s opinions. I know black women who are far less ignorant than you, and they have had similar experiences. I do not know what it is like to be black, but I do know what it is like to be a woman, and I never claimed that I was experiencing racism. I will write about my experience as a woman whether you like it or not.
Black men aren’t the only people who fetishize me. Men of all ethnicities do. It happened more in a black community because I was different. If I was a black woman, it would have happened in the white/latino/Asian/etc. community.
I think the fact that if I didn’t respond, I was called a “bitch” speaks volumes. You claim that they just wanted to say hi, but if they did, then there would be no obligations and no power play. But there was. I have absolutely no obligation to respond to anybody, especially when there is obvious sexual interest involved. Likewise, black women have no obligation to respond in their own community, and I have no obligation to respond to white men.
I don’t know what other blog posts you are referring to. It appears you have only read this post and are assuming that I talk about black men all the time.
Well, actually it is obvious you didn’t read all of this post. If you did, you wouldn’t have to tell me “not all minority men act like that to you.” That was not the fucking point.
You are utterly ignorant of gender power dynamics and then have the nerve to call me ignorant. My view of minorities is dangerously yuppie? You mean the view that they are human, and that no culture is exempt from sexism? Yes, how bourgeois of me.
So yes, you loathe this blog AKA all five words of one post that you read. What a valuable critique.
Your view of the world is so quarterbackly limited. I just wish you would stop yourself from blogging about minorities. You have no idea about them.
Oh wow, you know what, If I had more time bc You simply do not get it. You fail at getting it, and let me you why. You just foremost, represent the certain kind of american yuppie that goes overseas, feeling liberated and separate enough to reap havoc and talk shit about the American way.
To save 5 paragraphs that’s essentially what it’s about. That underlining tone of elitism, told in a non-anarchy, full on hypocrisy blog. Rarely do you say anything negative about New Zealand.
I’ll address the rest of the blatant misunderstandings of my critique some other time. Yes read the whole post in cringe mode. I skipped over the gay feminist parts, I my god it’s just over-generaliaztion for whatever reason and honestly who notices it. You are this weird new feminist that loves to dive in and critique any and all things that are unnecessary.
Speaking of American, a quarterback has a scope of the field, wide or limited. I used this to describe your ever changing scope from unrealistic and small, to negative. I was on an iPhone so no real way to critique myself.
Right. I’ll just let your comment speak for itself.
“Do women find it difficult not to harass men?”
Yes, the type of harassment where they claim to be a victim and make false allegations of sexual harassment.
I’m glad I’m getting so many angry comments. It means I’m scaring the right people. Human rights and equality are terrifying! Go shake in your boots, NZer.
Yeah I thought you’d just dodge that.
Just be glad I’m posting your comments at all. You’re a troll, and trolls are usually deleted. See the comments policy.
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